I work for corporate America; in fact, it’s safe to say “I’m its Bitch”! I’ve worked for the same company for 9 years, in the “Office Dictionary” I’m referred to as a “Cubicle Lifer”. That’s right, Monday through Friday from 8am to 6pm you’ll find me operating from a cubicle (Office Dictionary - See: ”Hellholes”)

Bob Propst invented the cubicle in 1964. Hoping to create a better working environment Propst said “NO” to an endless assembly line of open desks. It was not long before Corporate America adopted the mind blowing 3-wall invention and injected it across the administrative world. However, office staff later came to realize that working in a cubicle could not change one simple fact. Work still sucks!

Today’s office staff has grown numb to managements many attempts to re-vamp cubicle outlook. Listed below are some examples: 

1. Theme Cubicles:

Allow office employees to decorate their cubicles; showing off their personalities. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F’N MIND! Do you know what kind of people work in Cubicles… ARE YOU F’N INSIANE! You know that old saying “one man’s nightmare is another man’s dream”… just reverse that when referring to Themed Cubicles. It was mass chaos; one cubicle would be filled with Unicorn figurine while the next would have pictures of puppies dressed up in human clothes! Male cubicle workers (who never felt the warmth of a woman’s breast) displayed action figures or dungeons and dragons manuals and dice.  

2. Cubicle Buddies: 

The concept was to make a cubicle 25% larger and throw 2 employees inside. This proved a horrible idea; the result was increased tension, causing office arguments and even physical fights. I heard of a story in Texas where a man stabbed a co-worker because he accidentally deleted his voicemails. 

3. Build Your Own Cubicle:

Some companies will construct a home made cubicle. They may give you a flashy excuse; in reality, it’s because they are cheap bastards! They save a few bucks by creating 2-wall cubicles or in some cases… 1 F’N WALL! That’s not even a Cubicle. That’s a divider!

Working in an office environment can be difficult at times and in the end, Cubicles don’t make life any easier. In fact, I say we revolt… THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT! Viva cubicle revolution!

Ever find yourself stopped at a red light only to notice a man picking his nose in the next car over? How about being witness to a co-worker scratching his private area? I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that your answer is “yes” to both questions.

Both are kind of gross and yet in some strange way, they are not only accepted but also go without any form of disgust. We very rarely think twice about shaking hands with our friends, co-workers, or even family members. Unless you were born with the “Holy Christ, germs will kill me” phobia… you’ll never worry about the invisible micro-hellish bacteria has made a home on another persons hand.

However, I’m about to tell you something that will no doubt blow your mind wide open! It’s above and beyond coughing or sneezing into your hands and not washing them afterwards; this news flash will cause chaos throughout the rest of your life.

Yesterday at work, I was pissing in the bathroom. I could hear a co-worker in the stall next to the urinals (we will call him Jim). For me, this is never an enjoyable situation… as I never know what brand of crap I’m about to inhale! Not to mention the completely awkward sounds that may erupt; causing me to quickly apply pressure to my urinary track; forcing the pee to come out that much faster!

So I’m standing there peeing while Jim is taking what sounds like a mass dump in the stall. When out of nowhere I hear what sounds like ringing. It was Jim’s cell phone from inside the stall.

Before I go any further, I would like to remind you that at this very moment Jim was partaking in the human bodies most disgusting process. The next sound I heard completely made me re-evaluate my concept of germs.

“Hello”

Jim answered his phone and then proceeded to hold an actual conversation. “You didn’t get the address” Jim said into his phone “Well, I’ll send you a text message with it right now”. As I began washing my hands (side note – kids, always wash your hands after going to the bathroom) I could hear Jim pressing the keys on his phone. He was actually texting while taking a dump! In fact, I could still hear the awkward poop noises coming from inside the stall.

It was at this point I left the bathroom.

God I hope your ready for this! Not thirty minutes later I walk into the department where Jim works. He’s sitting in the office of another co-worker (we will call him Ted) talking about something random. Jim’s cell phone rings again and he pulls it out from his pocket, “Hello” he says. It’s at this point that the memory of Jim in the bathroom comes to the front of my mind. “Yeah, he’s hear” Jim says, “Do you want to talk to him”; then he hands the phone to Ted and say’s “Paul wants to ask you a question about work tomorrow”.

TED GRABS JIM’S CELL PHONE A PROCEEDS TO TALK INTO IT! Once again, 30 minutes ago our friend Jim was talking and texting on his phone inside the Men’s bathroom… ALL WHILE TAKING A CRAP!!! I just stood there as the horror unfolded in front of my own two eyes. It took every ounce of my being not to just shout out “STOP! THERE MIGHT BE CRAP PARTICAL ON THAT PHONE”!

I finally walked out of Ted’s office with nothing but horror and disgust running through my veins. The reality is, I will no doubt have to barrow a friend or family members phone someday soon. However, when that day comes I will be thinking of this story and wondering to myself… “Where has this phone been”?

Everybody has to let out some pressure…

Through the years I’ve realized there are many things that will remain out of my control. For example, according to an intense study from the Kinsey Institute the average man forms a thought about sex approximately every two minutes. Furthermore he generally ponders said thought for about a minute, 50 seconds before letting go of it.

It’s hard admitting to the above information; on some level, it makes me feel perverted and ashamed. However, many would argue that sexual thoughts are natural and part of the human make-up. I’m a sexually active man in his late 20’s and indeed I have random thoughts in a sexual nature.

I’m confused on why many men are still nervous or shy when it comes to speaking about masturbation. In my opinion “Masturbation” is simply a part of human nature… it’s a part of our lives. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George, Kramer, Elaine, and Jerry have “The Contest”; it was to see who could go the longest without pleasuring him/herself. The entire show revolved around the fact that all men (and women) masturbate.

One of my favorite quotes is from Woody Allen; regarding masturbation he said “Don’t knock masturbation… it’s sex with someone I love.” Funny as that quote is; the fact remains we are simply fulfilling a bodily function that makes us fell good. Masturbation is becoming accepted as a healthy practice and safe method for sharing pleasure without some of the dangers that can accompany intercourse. It is socially accepted and even celebrated in certain circles.

Once again, there are some things that I realize are out of my control… It’s my strong belief that Masturbation is one of them. To be honest, I enjoy and celebrate this portion of my daily/weekly life. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by it; I understand that it’s as healthy and natural as a person eating and sleeping! Listed below are some additional famous quotes regarding the topic on Masturbation:

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.
Truman Capote

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
Karl Marx

There is always a time and place for selected topics or opinions. That being said, I’m not trying to say you should hold an open table discussion on Masturbation during your office meeting at work. I’m merely reminding today’s society that 99% of men masturbate… the other 1% have no arms!