This is the story of Frank Christ

(Loosely based on the over imaginative mind of a man with too much time on his hand)

Chapter 1 – Don’t eat the fish

Many last names hold general reference to great people in history; names like Kennedy, Columbus, Shakespeare, and Mozart. Just speaking those names will automatically provide the common man a mental picture.

My name is Frank Christ and I have the most recognized last name in history. You may have heard of my brother, his name is Jesus! I know what your thinking, no really I do… it’s one of my given powers. Your thinking “I never heard of Frank Christ” and “Jesus never had a brother”. Well, did you know that George Washington had a half brother named Lawrence? Just because you never heard of somebody doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

The truth is my brother is a great and powerful man; everyday billions of people turn to him for advise and help. Many years ago, some guys got together and even wrote a book about his life. It’s been translated more times and into more languages than any other book. More than five billion copies have been sold since 1815, making it the best-selling book of all-time.

I also wrote a book, called “The Art of Fishing”… but you don’t see me bragging! In fact, until recently I have been content with living in the shadows of my older brother. However, a wise man once said, “The longer you stay in the shadows the harder it will be to come into the sun”. Ok, so I was the one who said that… I was talking to myself in the mirror. By the way, I was there when the mirror was invented. It’s true; I was a big part of it (Exodus 38:8)

I’m writing this book to help you see the big picture. I want you to have a better understanding to what was going on behind the scenes of my brother’s life. For example, did you know that the Apostle Matthew dated my ex-girlfriend behind my back! Jesus found out and told me over bread and wine. It was crazy the way it told me, “Frank, I’m not going to sugarcoat this… Janet is cheating on you with Matthew”! I was so upset and just kept shouting out “Oh My Dad” over and over!

I’m jumping ahead of myself; this is not the way I wanted to start this book. In fact, you really need to know more about me and what I’m all about. I was born exactly 23 days after my brother Jesus, on January 17^th. I know it doesn’t add up; however, the big guy upstairs worked on a different timetable. My stepfather Joseph decided it was a wise decision to send me off to his relatives in “Beersheba”. I spent the first 7 years of my life away from brother… who did not even know I existed. On my 7^th birthday I received word that I would be returning home to my family!

I even have the entry into my journal from that day:

“Today mommy sent a latter that said I could packe my bag and cume home. I happy to meat Jesus. Uncle James feds me fish everyday. I hate fish. My cousins put fish in my bag all time. I hate fish.”

Upon arriving home I was welcomed into the loving arms of my mother, Mary. However, Jesus was not so excited to see me. I remember the thing he said to me, “don’t touch my stuff”. It took awhile for the two of us to become friends. We had our ups and downs, like the time I shaved his head while he slept or when he told the entire town that I had a third nipple.

However, it was day Jesus fell down the well that would create the bond of brotherhood between us. It’s one of the best stories never told in the bible and goes something like this:

Chapter 2 – Timmy fell down the well….

I enjoy some good ol’ dirty talk…

What is about a woman’s lower back that drives me insane? Every guy and girl has his or her favorite body part, for me it happens to the small of a woman’s back. There is nothing better for me, to lead her into a room with my hand rested upon her back.

For some readers, the above love may seem awkward. The common man would say breasts or ass are what gets him going. Then again, many men would say it’s in the eyes, mouth, or even her neck. These are cool in my book… to each his own!

But what about fetishes is there a limit to what society would consider acceptable? The answer is hands down… hell yes! It’s more acceptable for her to talk dirty while doing the deed, and then let’s say… wearing a diaper while being spanked! There are even people will have sex all while wearing adult size animal costume; no lie, they are the strangest sub-culture called Furries.

Call me old fashion; however, I have never found the need for diapers or adult size duck costumes. Does this make me average, could I be lacking excitement in the bedroom? This question has caused me to research, educate, and possibly choose some flavor in my sexual universe.

Foot Fetish – People who get their rocks off by rubbing, licking, sucking feet! Are you fucking insane? Allow me to run down the series of possible issues with this fetish; blisters, calluses, corns, foot odor, sweaty feet, warts, or bunions! Sorry Dr. Sholl, but I can’t take that chance.

Food Play – Many people enjoy combing food and sex… like cherries, strawberries, or chocolate. However, some Jackasses feel the need to drive their fruit wagon to crazy town! The idea of cheeseburgers, French fries, and milk shakes during sex is just not right! I can’t help but recall when George from Seinfeld decides that adding food and television to his equation will make sex even better!

Vampirism – This is where a bunch of adults who’s parents never loved them, decide to wear black capes, makeup, and fangs. It’s a freaky world of role-playing sex with psychos named Morpheus… I think they are stuck in the matrix!

Vore - Short for “voraphilia” or “vorarephilia”: a fetish in which one fantasizes about being eaten alive or eating another creature alive (sexual in nature). The most common type of vore is “soft vore”, being swallowed or swallowing whole with no bloodshed.

ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!?!?!?!

Screw it, I’m sticking with what I know works! A naked girl, some gymnastic flips, vodka, bamboo sticks, candle wax, a baseball glove, a lampshade, and 13 positions from the Kama Sutra!

Signs that your not only in a bad relationship but… you should have already know it!

It’s in today’s society that we should all come together and focus on what’s important in life! I know your thinking “he’s going to start quoting Aristotle, something along the lines of world peace or ending the hunger of children in third world countries”. However, this article will not cover the higher issues of national policies or terrorists among us.

In truth, on the above topics I would simply be giving you the opinion of one man. Instead we will be focusing on what many men in this nation consider an equally important subject as to those listed above; the subject I’m referring to… Getting out of a bad relationship!

Equal to being up the creek with no paddle; many men are stuck in bad relationships. I hate people who say things like “nobody knows they are in a bad relationship until it’s too late”! I’ll cry wolf on that bullshit any day; the truth is, as human’s we all poses a sixth sense on key decisions we make. To say that we decide to walk into relationships blind and with no idea of the possible outcome is ludicrous.

The reality is as men we simply decide to ignore “The Signs”. It’s true; there are many negative signs we can look out for, before committing to a long-term relationship. For example, on the first date if the woman asks you a series of questions directly or indirectly about your friends… get the Hell out of there! Women who want to know the inner details of your buddies simply want to know how easy it will be to break you away from them. Listed below are some additional signs that you’re about to enter a bad relationship:

1. Gap Nazi – If the woman is already ordering you on what to wear or even more how to wear it… then you might as well open a charge card! Many women have a natural ability to control a man in this area. It starts off with casual suggestions or comments like “Baby you look so good in blue” or “you would look so sexy in a leather jacket”. However, some woman will become a “Gap Nazi” overnight! If in the first month she starts buying you clothes from a selected Department store you normally don’t shop at… Pack your damn bags!

2. You’ll Never Be “HIM” – If during the first couple months she constantly is talking about her Ex-boyfriend; this may be a sure sign she is not over him. It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to realize when she is comparing you to him. Making comments like “Josh and I always traveled” or “Josh bought me this necklace” are meant to serve as a reminder that YOUR NOT JOSH! However, if you actually hear the following during sex “Josh you make me feel so good”, call the police… because there’s an escaped mental patient in your bed!

3. The Wing-Ladies – Many women will judge you simply based on the thoughts of their girlfriends. So if you don’t get along or have anything in common with them, guess what… They hate you! Here’s the funny thing about wing-ladies; they ultimately want to see how long you’ll stay around and suffer. Like a mouse you’ll be stuck in cage with a bunch of snakes looking to eat you alive!

4. Family Ties – The same can be said when it comes to family! If you’re a guy going into a relationship with a girl who really “Loves her family”… you’re screwed! I’m talking about the type of girl who will tell her daddy every time you fucked up! Remember the old western movies where the dad stands there with a shotgun, forcing the cowboy to marry his daughter? Well if she is telling her father about all your negatives and he still wants you around… that means he realizes that his own daughter is too messed up to find anything better!

5. Shady Days – If your girlfriend starts staying out later and later; never really telling you where she has been or who she’s hanging out with… there is a serious problem! If they tell you their getting their nails done at 9pm, chances are they are having sex with a sweaty Porte Rican who has a penis the size of African elephant! Woman will tell you that in order to understand the man, she only need to look at his friends. The same can certainly be said about a woman’s friends! If she is always going out with friends who are single and enjoy going to the bars/clubs to pick up men…. then you deserve to get cheated on!

I understand that many female readers may be upset and take my article as “woman bashing”; however, if the few female readers who read this and say something like “this guy has a point”… then my work here is done. 

Plus, my next article will provide additional supported facts on how… men are equally fucked up as women!