I work for corporate America; in fact, it’s safe to say “I’m its Bitch”! I’ve worked for the same company for 9 years, in the “Office Dictionary” I’m referred to as a “Cubicle Lifer”. That’s right, Monday through Friday from 8am to 6pm you’ll find me operating from a cubicle (Office Dictionary - See: ”Hellholes”)

Bob Propst invented the cubicle in 1964. Hoping to create a better working environment Propst said “NO” to an endless assembly line of open desks. It was not long before Corporate America adopted the mind blowing 3-wall invention and injected it across the administrative world. However, office staff later came to realize that working in a cubicle could not change one simple fact. Work still sucks!

Today’s office staff has grown numb to managements many attempts to re-vamp cubicle outlook. Listed below are some examples: 

1. Theme Cubicles:

Allow office employees to decorate their cubicles; showing off their personalities. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F’N MIND! Do you know what kind of people work in Cubicles… ARE YOU F’N INSIANE! You know that old saying “one man’s nightmare is another man’s dream”… just reverse that when referring to Themed Cubicles. It was mass chaos; one cubicle would be filled with Unicorn figurine while the next would have pictures of puppies dressed up in human clothes! Male cubicle workers (who never felt the warmth of a woman’s breast) displayed action figures or dungeons and dragons manuals and dice.  

2. Cubicle Buddies: 

The concept was to make a cubicle 25% larger and throw 2 employees inside. This proved a horrible idea; the result was increased tension, causing office arguments and even physical fights. I heard of a story in Texas where a man stabbed a co-worker because he accidentally deleted his voicemails. 

3. Build Your Own Cubicle:

Some companies will construct a home made cubicle. They may give you a flashy excuse; in reality, it’s because they are cheap bastards! They save a few bucks by creating 2-wall cubicles or in some cases… 1 F’N WALL! That’s not even a Cubicle. That’s a divider!

Working in an office environment can be difficult at times and in the end, Cubicles don’t make life any easier. In fact, I say we revolt… THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT! Viva cubicle revolution!

Ever find yourself stopped at a red light only to notice a man picking his nose in the next car over? How about being witness to a co-worker scratching his private area? I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that your answer is “yes” to both questions.

Both are kind of gross and yet in some strange way, they are not only accepted but also go without any form of disgust. We very rarely think twice about shaking hands with our friends, co-workers, or even family members. Unless you were born with the “Holy Christ, germs will kill me” phobia… you’ll never worry about the invisible micro-hellish bacteria has made a home on another persons hand.

However, I’m about to tell you something that will no doubt blow your mind wide open! It’s above and beyond coughing or sneezing into your hands and not washing them afterwards; this news flash will cause chaos throughout the rest of your life.

Yesterday at work, I was pissing in the bathroom. I could hear a co-worker in the stall next to the urinals (we will call him Jim). For me, this is never an enjoyable situation… as I never know what brand of crap I’m about to inhale! Not to mention the completely awkward sounds that may erupt; causing me to quickly apply pressure to my urinary track; forcing the pee to come out that much faster!

So I’m standing there peeing while Jim is taking what sounds like a mass dump in the stall. When out of nowhere I hear what sounds like ringing. It was Jim’s cell phone from inside the stall.

Before I go any further, I would like to remind you that at this very moment Jim was partaking in the human bodies most disgusting process. The next sound I heard completely made me re-evaluate my concept of germs.

“Hello”

Jim answered his phone and then proceeded to hold an actual conversation. “You didn’t get the address” Jim said into his phone “Well, I’ll send you a text message with it right now”. As I began washing my hands (side note – kids, always wash your hands after going to the bathroom) I could hear Jim pressing the keys on his phone. He was actually texting while taking a dump! In fact, I could still hear the awkward poop noises coming from inside the stall.

It was at this point I left the bathroom.

God I hope your ready for this! Not thirty minutes later I walk into the department where Jim works. He’s sitting in the office of another co-worker (we will call him Ted) talking about something random. Jim’s cell phone rings again and he pulls it out from his pocket, “Hello” he says. It’s at this point that the memory of Jim in the bathroom comes to the front of my mind. “Yeah, he’s hear” Jim says, “Do you want to talk to him”; then he hands the phone to Ted and say’s “Paul wants to ask you a question about work tomorrow”.

TED GRABS JIM’S CELL PHONE A PROCEEDS TO TALK INTO IT! Once again, 30 minutes ago our friend Jim was talking and texting on his phone inside the Men’s bathroom… ALL WHILE TAKING A CRAP!!! I just stood there as the horror unfolded in front of my own two eyes. It took every ounce of my being not to just shout out “STOP! THERE MIGHT BE CRAP PARTICAL ON THAT PHONE”!

I finally walked out of Ted’s office with nothing but horror and disgust running through my veins. The reality is, I will no doubt have to barrow a friend or family members phone someday soon. However, when that day comes I will be thinking of this story and wondering to myself… “Where has this phone been”?

Everybody has to let out some pressure…

Through the years I’ve realized there are many things that will remain out of my control. For example, according to an intense study from the Kinsey Institute the average man forms a thought about sex approximately every two minutes. Furthermore he generally ponders said thought for about a minute, 50 seconds before letting go of it.

It’s hard admitting to the above information; on some level, it makes me feel perverted and ashamed. However, many would argue that sexual thoughts are natural and part of the human make-up. I’m a sexually active man in his late 20’s and indeed I have random thoughts in a sexual nature.

I’m confused on why many men are still nervous or shy when it comes to speaking about masturbation. In my opinion “Masturbation” is simply a part of human nature… it’s a part of our lives. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George, Kramer, Elaine, and Jerry have “The Contest”; it was to see who could go the longest without pleasuring him/herself. The entire show revolved around the fact that all men (and women) masturbate.

One of my favorite quotes is from Woody Allen; regarding masturbation he said “Don’t knock masturbation… it’s sex with someone I love.” Funny as that quote is; the fact remains we are simply fulfilling a bodily function that makes us fell good. Masturbation is becoming accepted as a healthy practice and safe method for sharing pleasure without some of the dangers that can accompany intercourse. It is socially accepted and even celebrated in certain circles.

Once again, there are some things that I realize are out of my control… It’s my strong belief that Masturbation is one of them. To be honest, I enjoy and celebrate this portion of my daily/weekly life. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by it; I understand that it’s as healthy and natural as a person eating and sleeping! Listed below are some additional famous quotes regarding the topic on Masturbation:

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.
Truman Capote

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
Karl Marx

There is always a time and place for selected topics or opinions. That being said, I’m not trying to say you should hold an open table discussion on Masturbation during your office meeting at work. I’m merely reminding today’s society that 99% of men masturbate… the other 1% have no arms!

The following article was posted on 5/21/2008 from the Red Bull Air race Newsroom

The Red Bull Air Race remains in the U.S. for the third stop of the 2008 season in Detroit, Michigan on May 31 and June 1. The ‘Motor City’ is a brand new addition to the World Series calendar and the city, steeped in automotive and aviation history with an abundance of sports fans, will make an ideal location for the race where twelve of the world’s best pilots, including three Americans, will introduce the Midwest to a new dimension in motorsport.

A challenging 3.8 mile-long race track will be positioned over the Detroit River, one of the world’s most trafficked international shipping lanes. This will be the first time that a Red Bull Air Race is staged in two countries at the same time - between Detroit and the Canadian city of Windsor, Ontario. Spectators will enjoy close up views of all the action along downtown Detroit’s five-mile long, spectacular riverfront.

After a phenomenal race under the Californian sunshine in San Diego earlier this month, which drew a crowd of 120,000 fans over two days, the competition has started to really tighten at the top. Britain’s Paul Bonhomme currently leads the pack with 18 points after victories in the first two races and defending champion, American Mike Mangold is hot on his heels with 15 points followed closely by 2007 rookie, Austrian Hannes Arch with 14 points.

“It is getting closer,” said Bonhomme. “It’s going to make the rest of the year interesting.”

Detroit is recognised as being home to the automotive industry but less known perhaps are its connections to aviation. The city is birthplace and hometown of renowned aviator Charles Lindbergh - pilot of the first nonstop Transatlantic flight from New York to Paris made in the single seat, single engine aircraft Spirit of St. Louis on May 20-21, 1927.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is thrilled that Detroit will host a Red Bull Air Race and said, “We thank you, Red Bull Air Race, for bringing the World Series right here to Detroit. We said this to the Super Bowl, to the NCAA, the best race that you will have in your entire series will be the race in the city of Detroit.”

Qualifying takes place on Saturday, May 31 followed by Race Day on Sunday, June 1. 41,000 race weekend tickets were sold out in a heartbeat.

This is the story of Frank Christ

(Loosely based on the over imaginative mind of a man with too much time on his hand)

Chapter 3 – I know tons of shit…

I don’t want to toot my own horn but I’m a very smart person. You know when people use the term “it’s not rocket science”? The simple truth; if it was rocket science… I wouldn’t even break a sweat! Listed below are many things I played a role inventing:

1. The diaper
2. Ice Cube Tray
3. Red Bull Energy Drink
4. E=MC2
5. San Francisco
6. Grunge Music
7. The One Night Stand
8. Turtle neck sweaters
9. Bugs Bunny
10. White-faced Whistling Duck
11. Meatloaf
12. Candy Canes
13. The Ice scraper
14. The Aspirin
15. The Corndog
16. 3D Glasses
17. The Windsor knot
18. Make-up Sex
19. Spam
20. Fogless Glass

I understand that society has led you to believe that people like Einstein invented E=MC2 or that Walt Disney came up with Bugs Bunny! However, I was the one who pulled many of the great historians of the world out from the gutter. For example, Einstein sold his soul to Lucifer (funny story) and I had to bail him out!

Jesus is always saying things like “Frank, they will never learn if you keep showing them way”. I think that just BS; I mean if my brother and God were singing a different tune during the “Winged Angels Union Strike”! Back then it was all “Frank you’re the man” and “You’re the only one who can make this happen”.

During the Angels Strike, I was the only one to walk across the line (well pearly gate) and continue working. Do you know what it’s like to have 14,836, 566 angels calling you a scab? I still have no idea what they went on strike for; if I recall, it was something about the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”! In fact, I heard they were close to striking again when some dip-shit director decided it would be cool to have John Travolta play an angel. I’d be pissed too if I was angel, that guy’s part of Lucifer’s growing religion… Scientology!

I’m only mentioning some of my above ideas and inventions to help you better understand why I have decided to start my new business. It was amazing how I came up with it; almost as cool as how Doc Brown came up with the idea of the flux capacitor (which is what makes time travel possible) after slipping off his toilet while standing on it to hang a clock and bumping his head.

You see a few years ago I thought it would be cool to come up with a way all the young people of today’s society could socialize and interact with one another. I was never a big fan of chat rooms on the Internet; have you seen “To Catch a Predator” with Chris Hanson? I wanted to make a popular social networking website offering an interactive, user-submitted network of friends, personal profiles, blogs, groups, photos, music and videos for teenagers and adults internationally.

So I called my old friend Moses (who owed me a huge favor) and we created a little website called “Myspace”. What, you thought “Tom” created Myspace. How do you think it would look if I would my real name? That would be horrible; “Myspace, Powered by Frank Christ”!

This is the story of Frank Christ

(Loosely based on the over imaginative mind of a man with too much time on his hand)

Chapter 2 – Timmy fell down the well

Do you know what it is like to walk in the shadows of Jesus Christ? I was the awkward younger brother, with bad acne and a unibrow. In fact, my brother rarely spoke to me… he was too busy being the popular kid in town. I’m making him out as some kind of monster; this is far from the truth. However, when you’re the outcast in the family it’s hard not be jealous.

My brother was always the cool kid in school. Whenever there was a party, he was there. Jesus was the guy who had it all; good looks, charm, and special powers. Guys wanted to be him and girls wanted to be with him. The list below is a few abilities Jesus developed as a teenager:

1. Never had to wash his hair
2. Turned birds into frogs
3. Gave sheep a 3^rd eye
4. Could sing alto, baritone, and bass
5. Could play every musical instrument
6. Blinked once every 16 minutes
7. Could clap with one hand
8. Turned sand into water
9. Farts smelled like roses…
10. Pulled bread out of thin air

One night our mother convinced Jesus to take me with him to a local celebration. “When we get there, pretend like you’re my servant” he said walking 10 feet in front of me.

At that moment something inside me just clicked on! As we approached the town well I remember wishing he would just fall into it! Just than, Jesus tripped over a large stone… AND FELL INTO THE WELL! Everything happened so fast, within seconds Jesus was screaming for help at the bottom of the well!

Frank – “Hey what happened” shouting down the well

Jesus – “What does it look like Frank… I fell down the well”

Frank – “I’ll go get help. Don’t go anywhere”

Jesus – “Hey Frank, don’t just stand there like an idiot… go get somebody”

Frank – “You know what Jesus, maybe you should just stay down there for a couple hours. You can think about why it is you always treat me like a 3 eyed sheep”

Jesus – “Look! Do you think we could talk about this later, it smells down here.”

Frank – “I’ll tell you what Jesus, if you promise to treat me better (like a brother should) then I’ll get you out of there. In fact, I want you to tell everybody at the celebration how I saved your life.”

Jesus – “This is stupid”

Frank – “Do you promise”?

Jesus – “Fine”

*Side note: whenever somebody uses the word “Fine”, they are lying!

Frank – “Don’t just want you to say fine, you have to say the actual words”

Jesus – “Frank I promise to be a nicer brother to you at all times. Now can you please find a way to get me out of here”.

Frank – “OK! I wish Jesus was out from the well”

Just then Jesus appeared in front of me. He stood there dripping wet and staring at me. Finally he spoke, “That was amazing, how did you do that”?

As it turned out, Jesus was not the only one in the family with special powers. It was on that fateful night I realized two things:

1. My brother would always look at me with kinder eyes
2. I had amazing wishing powers

*Side note: You now know where the wishing well comes from

The moment we walked into town celebration, Jesus was telling everybody how I saved his life. Not only did he tell his friends about the well, he even added how I took down 13 thieves and helped a cat out of a tree! It was one of the coolest moments in my life; everybody was giving me elbows and cheering my name!

Side Note: Back then people gave elbows… not high fives!

This is the story of Frank Christ

(Loosely based on the over imaginative mind of a man with too much time on his hand)

Chapter 1 – Don’t eat the fish

Many last names hold general reference to great people in history; names like Kennedy, Columbus, Shakespeare, and Mozart. Just speaking those names will automatically provide the common man a mental picture.

My name is Frank Christ and I have the most recognized last name in history. You may have heard of my brother, his name is Jesus! I know what your thinking, no really I do… it’s one of my given powers. Your thinking “I never heard of Frank Christ” and “Jesus never had a brother”. Well, did you know that George Washington had a half brother named Lawrence? Just because you never heard of somebody doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

The truth is my brother is a great and powerful man; everyday billions of people turn to him for advise and help. Many years ago, some guys got together and even wrote a book about his life. It’s been translated more times and into more languages than any other book. More than five billion copies have been sold since 1815, making it the best-selling book of all-time.

I also wrote a book, called “The Art of Fishing”… but you don’t see me bragging! In fact, until recently I have been content with living in the shadows of my older brother. However, a wise man once said, “The longer you stay in the shadows the harder it will be to come into the sun”. Ok, so I was the one who said that… I was talking to myself in the mirror. By the way, I was there when the mirror was invented. It’s true; I was a big part of it (Exodus 38:8)

I’m writing this book to help you see the big picture. I want you to have a better understanding to what was going on behind the scenes of my brother’s life. For example, did you know that the Apostle Matthew dated my ex-girlfriend behind my back! Jesus found out and told me over bread and wine. It was crazy the way it told me, “Frank, I’m not going to sugarcoat this… Janet is cheating on you with Matthew”! I was so upset and just kept shouting out “Oh My Dad” over and over!

I’m jumping ahead of myself; this is not the way I wanted to start this book. In fact, you really need to know more about me and what I’m all about. I was born exactly 23 days after my brother Jesus, on January 17^th. I know it doesn’t add up; however, the big guy upstairs worked on a different timetable. My stepfather Joseph decided it was a wise decision to send me off to his relatives in “Beersheba”. I spent the first 7 years of my life away from brother… who did not even know I existed. On my 7^th birthday I received word that I would be returning home to my family!

I even have the entry into my journal from that day:

“Today mommy sent a latter that said I could packe my bag and cume home. I happy to meat Jesus. Uncle James feds me fish everyday. I hate fish. My cousins put fish in my bag all time. I hate fish.”

Upon arriving home I was welcomed into the loving arms of my mother, Mary. However, Jesus was not so excited to see me. I remember the thing he said to me, “don’t touch my stuff”. It took awhile for the two of us to become friends. We had our ups and downs, like the time I shaved his head while he slept or when he told the entire town that I had a third nipple.

However, it was day Jesus fell down the well that would create the bond of brotherhood between us. It’s one of the best stories never told in the bible and goes something like this:

Chapter 2 – Timmy fell down the well….

I enjoy some good ol’ dirty talk…

What is about a woman’s lower back that drives me insane? Every guy and girl has his or her favorite body part, for me it happens to the small of a woman’s back. There is nothing better for me, to lead her into a room with my hand rested upon her back.

For some readers, the above love may seem awkward. The common man would say breasts or ass are what gets him going. Then again, many men would say it’s in the eyes, mouth, or even her neck. These are cool in my book… to each his own!

But what about fetishes is there a limit to what society would consider acceptable? The answer is hands down… hell yes! It’s more acceptable for her to talk dirty while doing the deed, and then let’s say… wearing a diaper while being spanked! There are even people will have sex all while wearing adult size animal costume; no lie, they are the strangest sub-culture called Furries.

Call me old fashion; however, I have never found the need for diapers or adult size duck costumes. Does this make me average, could I be lacking excitement in the bedroom? This question has caused me to research, educate, and possibly choose some flavor in my sexual universe.

Foot Fetish – People who get their rocks off by rubbing, licking, sucking feet! Are you fucking insane? Allow me to run down the series of possible issues with this fetish; blisters, calluses, corns, foot odor, sweaty feet, warts, or bunions! Sorry Dr. Sholl, but I can’t take that chance.

Food Play – Many people enjoy combing food and sex… like cherries, strawberries, or chocolate. However, some Jackasses feel the need to drive their fruit wagon to crazy town! The idea of cheeseburgers, French fries, and milk shakes during sex is just not right! I can’t help but recall when George from Seinfeld decides that adding food and television to his equation will make sex even better!

Vampirism – This is where a bunch of adults who’s parents never loved them, decide to wear black capes, makeup, and fangs. It’s a freaky world of role-playing sex with psychos named Morpheus… I think they are stuck in the matrix!

Vore - Short for “voraphilia” or “vorarephilia”: a fetish in which one fantasizes about being eaten alive or eating another creature alive (sexual in nature). The most common type of vore is “soft vore”, being swallowed or swallowing whole with no bloodshed.

ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!?!?!?!

Screw it, I’m sticking with what I know works! A naked girl, some gymnastic flips, vodka, bamboo sticks, candle wax, a baseball glove, a lampshade, and 13 positions from the Kama Sutra!

Signs that your not only in a bad relationship but… you should have already know it!

It’s in today’s society that we should all come together and focus on what’s important in life! I know your thinking “he’s going to start quoting Aristotle, something along the lines of world peace or ending the hunger of children in third world countries”. However, this article will not cover the higher issues of national policies or terrorists among us.

In truth, on the above topics I would simply be giving you the opinion of one man. Instead we will be focusing on what many men in this nation consider an equally important subject as to those listed above; the subject I’m referring to… Getting out of a bad relationship!

Equal to being up the creek with no paddle; many men are stuck in bad relationships. I hate people who say things like “nobody knows they are in a bad relationship until it’s too late”! I’ll cry wolf on that bullshit any day; the truth is, as human’s we all poses a sixth sense on key decisions we make. To say that we decide to walk into relationships blind and with no idea of the possible outcome is ludicrous.

The reality is as men we simply decide to ignore “The Signs”. It’s true; there are many negative signs we can look out for, before committing to a long-term relationship. For example, on the first date if the woman asks you a series of questions directly or indirectly about your friends… get the Hell out of there! Women who want to know the inner details of your buddies simply want to know how easy it will be to break you away from them. Listed below are some additional signs that you’re about to enter a bad relationship:

1. Gap Nazi – If the woman is already ordering you on what to wear or even more how to wear it… then you might as well open a charge card! Many women have a natural ability to control a man in this area. It starts off with casual suggestions or comments like “Baby you look so good in blue” or “you would look so sexy in a leather jacket”. However, some woman will become a “Gap Nazi” overnight! If in the first month she starts buying you clothes from a selected Department store you normally don’t shop at… Pack your damn bags!

2. You’ll Never Be “HIM” – If during the first couple months she constantly is talking about her Ex-boyfriend; this may be a sure sign she is not over him. It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to realize when she is comparing you to him. Making comments like “Josh and I always traveled” or “Josh bought me this necklace” are meant to serve as a reminder that YOUR NOT JOSH! However, if you actually hear the following during sex “Josh you make me feel so good”, call the police… because there’s an escaped mental patient in your bed!

3. The Wing-Ladies – Many women will judge you simply based on the thoughts of their girlfriends. So if you don’t get along or have anything in common with them, guess what… They hate you! Here’s the funny thing about wing-ladies; they ultimately want to see how long you’ll stay around and suffer. Like a mouse you’ll be stuck in cage with a bunch of snakes looking to eat you alive!

4. Family Ties – The same can be said when it comes to family! If you’re a guy going into a relationship with a girl who really “Loves her family”… you’re screwed! I’m talking about the type of girl who will tell her daddy every time you fucked up! Remember the old western movies where the dad stands there with a shotgun, forcing the cowboy to marry his daughter? Well if she is telling her father about all your negatives and he still wants you around… that means he realizes that his own daughter is too messed up to find anything better!

5. Shady Days – If your girlfriend starts staying out later and later; never really telling you where she has been or who she’s hanging out with… there is a serious problem! If they tell you their getting their nails done at 9pm, chances are they are having sex with a sweaty Porte Rican who has a penis the size of African elephant! Woman will tell you that in order to understand the man, she only need to look at his friends. The same can certainly be said about a woman’s friends! If she is always going out with friends who are single and enjoy going to the bars/clubs to pick up men…. then you deserve to get cheated on!

I understand that many female readers may be upset and take my article as “woman bashing”; however, if the few female readers who read this and say something like “this guy has a point”… then my work here is done. 

Plus, my next article will provide additional supported facts on how… men are equally fucked up as women! 

What not to say and topics to avoid on your first date!

Here is a series of comments or never to say on a first date:

1. “What is your favorite Star Trek episode”?
2. “Your so cute… I wanted to kidnap you”
3. “You want to swing by my parents house and say hi”
4. “I have to take a huge shit… seriously, I’m prairie dogging it”!
5. “Your paying for this right”?
6. “It’s cool… the rash has not spread to my lips yet”
7. “Have you ever watched Nicholas Sparks, the notebook?
8. “How many kids do you want”
9. “You so much like my sister”
10. “I Love You”

Here is a series of topics you should avoid on a first date:

1. “Your ex-girlfriend” – The first date should be solely about the girl in front of you, not the whore who screwed you over.
2. “Kids and marriage” – Unless the girl has kids, this should NEVER be a topic.
3. “A recent surgery or illness” – For example, if you recently recovered from an illness like “the shingles”… don’t discuss the awful details over pasta and wine.
4. “Sex” – The only time this is acceptable is if she brings it up. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BRING IT UP!!!
5. “Financial gain” – It’s ok to talk about your job and even investments; however, never let it get to the point of bragging. Besides, if that’s all she cares about… then you are with the wrong girl!

In the next few days, I plan on really jumping into some of the above topics. I think it’s not only important to understand my thoughts behind this… but also some prime real life examples.

I’m Tony Finch and this is my Boom Stick