Ever find yourself stopped at a red light only to notice a man picking his nose in the next car over? How about being witness to a co-worker scratching his private area? I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that your answer is “yes” to both questions.

Both are kind of gross and yet in some strange way, they are not only accepted but also go without any form of disgust. We very rarely think twice about shaking hands with our friends, co-workers, or even family members. Unless you were born with the “Holy Christ, germs will kill me” phobia… you’ll never worry about the invisible micro-hellish bacteria has made a home on another persons hand.

However, I’m about to tell you something that will no doubt blow your mind wide open! It’s above and beyond coughing or sneezing into your hands and not washing them afterwards; this news flash will cause chaos throughout the rest of your life.

Yesterday at work, I was pissing in the bathroom. I could hear a co-worker in the stall next to the urinals (we will call him Jim). For me, this is never an enjoyable situation… as I never know what brand of crap I’m about to inhale! Not to mention the completely awkward sounds that may erupt; causing me to quickly apply pressure to my urinary track; forcing the pee to come out that much faster!

So I’m standing there peeing while Jim is taking what sounds like a mass dump in the stall. When out of nowhere I hear what sounds like ringing. It was Jim’s cell phone from inside the stall.

Before I go any further, I would like to remind you that at this very moment Jim was partaking in the human bodies most disgusting process. The next sound I heard completely made me re-evaluate my concept of germs.

“Hello”

Jim answered his phone and then proceeded to hold an actual conversation. “You didn’t get the address” Jim said into his phone “Well, I’ll send you a text message with it right now”. As I began washing my hands (side note – kids, always wash your hands after going to the bathroom) I could hear Jim pressing the keys on his phone. He was actually texting while taking a dump! In fact, I could still hear the awkward poop noises coming from inside the stall.

It was at this point I left the bathroom.

God I hope your ready for this! Not thirty minutes later I walk into the department where Jim works. He’s sitting in the office of another co-worker (we will call him Ted) talking about something random. Jim’s cell phone rings again and he pulls it out from his pocket, “Hello” he says. It’s at this point that the memory of Jim in the bathroom comes to the front of my mind. “Yeah, he’s hear” Jim says, “Do you want to talk to him”; then he hands the phone to Ted and say’s “Paul wants to ask you a question about work tomorrow”.

TED GRABS JIM’S CELL PHONE A PROCEEDS TO TALK INTO IT! Once again, 30 minutes ago our friend Jim was talking and texting on his phone inside the Men’s bathroom… ALL WHILE TAKING A CRAP!!! I just stood there as the horror unfolded in front of my own two eyes. It took every ounce of my being not to just shout out “STOP! THERE MIGHT BE CRAP PARTICAL ON THAT PHONE”!

I finally walked out of Ted’s office with nothing but horror and disgust running through my veins. The reality is, I will no doubt have to barrow a friend or family members phone someday soon. However, when that day comes I will be thinking of this story and wondering to myself… “Where has this phone been”?